Keeping Things Fair

From the book “The Swingers Manual”Keeping Things Fair

It is important to note that while at times you may feel comfortable receiving more than you are ready to give, you should not do so. By allowing someone else to do something to you, that you are not ready to return, you may mislead them into thinking that you are ready for more. Think of it as being fair to everyone. You really wouldn’t want someone to say to you “well, you can do this to me but I’m not going to reciprocate,” so why would you do that to them? Try to avoid setting up expectations that you can’t deliver on.

Let’s look at this example. Jack & Diane’s interest in swinging stems from their desire for her to live out her bisexual fantasies. Diane has no interest in touching or being touched by another man, however Jack is open to whatever Diane will allow. They meet up with

Sara & Stan who are open to pretty much anything, including full swap, but agree to give Jack & Diane a try. Over the next few months they get together on several occasions during which Jack is allowed to touch and fondle both women, but Stan is only allowed to touch his own wife. During one of their play sessions Sara gives Jack a blowjob.  Seeing this leaves Stan feeling rather left out. If Jack can get a blowjob from Sara, why can’t Stan even touch Diane? Eventually Sara & Stan call it quits with Jack & Diane because Stan can no longer accept the double standard he is being forced to live with. By allowing Sara to give him a blowjob, Jack & Diane mislead Stan and Sara to believe that they were both ready for more. Even though Jack and Diane are both ok with what happened, they would have been better to restrict the play to girls only until or unless Diane was also willing to give the same interaction to another guy that she was ok with Jack receiving. It would also have behooved Stan to speak up earlier and state his displeasure with the direction things were taking. Perhaps, had he done so, things might have changed to better everyone’s enjoyment instead of having to come to a complete halt.

Keep in mind that just as you have the option to set your own boundaries, other couples have the option to not play with you because your boundaries are too restrictive for them. While some couples will be willing to play with you regardless of your boundaries and will be happy to stay within your boundaries they may not be happy to continue to do so for very long, just as we saw with Stan and Sara.


As the owner and hostess of the Swingers Board, I’ve spent the last 12 years giving and reading advice to swingers, both new and old. There are some truths that ring over and over again, and some issues that vary so much that only you will ever know the right answer for you.

“The Swinger Manual” is about helping you determine your answers, and helping to clarify some of the questions you already have and will have along the way.

Order your copy today at

Speak Your Mind