There will be occasions at clubs where you find yourself the object of an admirer for whom you don’t return the interest. These situations can vary from someone who simply keeps asking you to dance, to someone who will not leave you alone and follows you everywhere you go. How you choose to deal with these people, will depend greatly on how they are acting.
If someone simply approaches you and asks you to dance or to go to the play areas and you are not interested and do not feel you may change your mind later, a polite but firm “Thank you, but NO” is in order. You may be able to say yes to just one dance and have them move on. Just be sure that during that one dance you don’t give them any reason to think they will get more than that. If they return later use the polite but firm “No” response. When you do say “No” do not give any additions that would allow the requester to think that there is hope later on. Do not say “not right now” or “maybe later” unless that is really what you mean.
If you have an admirer that simply will not leave you alone, you may have to be more firm and tell them to leave you alone, and that you are not interested. If the person continues to approach you to the point that you feel you are being harassed, find the host or someone on staff and let them know what is going on and ask that the person be removed. This can be easily done without making a scene. No one wants someone at the party that doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “No”. The host should ask the offending person to leave. If they are not willing to do so, then I wouldn’t want to go to their parties.
Of course, in order for someone to understand the word, you first have to say it. Too often when we are uncomfortable, we just move away or hope that someone will get the hint. Some people are very bad at reading body language. Therefore, if someone is making you uncomfortable, the best move you can make is to verbally let them know. This is about you, and you should not spend your entire evening feeling uncomfortable just because you don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings. If someone is bothering you and won’t leave you alone, make it clear to them that you are not interested. We often avoid saying no or being forceful because we don’t want to make a scene, but sometimes making a scene is required.
I remember the first time I ever tried to go to a swinger party as a single female. I’d been going to parties as part of a couple for years, but following my divorce I wanted to give it a try solo. Were things ever different? I had to learn that it was up to me to say something. I didn’t have a partner to run back to for protection. It was just me. Being bisexual I encountered instances of grabbiness from both men and women. Oddly, the women were much harder to be forward with and just say “No” to. I did not know how to react to them. Surprisingly, the men seemed better behaved than the women. I only had one situation with a man who while we were on the dance floor started trying to make out with me. I stopped him and said flatly “I don’t think so. I don’t even know your name!” and walked away. Now, if only I’d been as forward with the women, I would have had a much better time that night and probably would have tried much harder to swing as a single female.
I remember another instance where I was at a party and a friend of mine seemed to be getting grabbed (in not so nice ways) by just about every guy in the room. I could tell from her body language that she wasn’t comfortable, but she wasn’t saying “No” either. I finally pulled her aside and asked her about it. She really didn’t know that it was ok to say “No.” She thought she just had to do whatever they wanted. Boy was she a different woman once she realized she had control over the situation. Remember, the number one rule in this lifestyle is that “no means no,” but it doesn’t mean anything if you don’t say the word.
On the flipside, if you are interested in someone else and you approach them and they express a lack of interest, understand that one “No” is enough. Do not repeatedly approach someone after they have already let you know they are not interested, and do not try to insert yourself into a situation where you have not been invited. Just because a couple (or a pile of couples) is playing on a bed in the corner, does not mean you have an open invitation to join in wherever you desire. Always ask first, and at the first sign of “No” (whether verbal or physical) you should remove yourself from the situation. On occasions people drink too much at parties and don’t really comprehend what they are doing. Don’t let this be you. Watch how much you drink. If you are the target of someone who has had too much to drink, the best thing you can do is find their partner (if they have one) and let them know that they need to keep a better eye on their date. If they are alone, find the host or a security person and let them handle the situation. If it’s your party, ask them to leave and find them a suitable means to get home (even if it means driving them yourself – do not let some drunk person ruin your party).