Of all the workshops I teach, Dirty Talk, is among my favorites! I promise clients that if they learn to talk dirty, they can be the laziest lovers and still blow their partners’ minds. This is because dirty talk is all about learning to tap into your most intense fantasies and bring them to life in words. And since fantasy is often hotter than reality, crawling into your partner’s dirty mind is the key to a long-lasting and fulfilling sexual relationship.
Many people learn to talk dirty from porn, but this leaves them with a limited repertoire that excludes the personal element of sexy talk. Moreover, dirty talk doesn’t have to be rough, hardcore or even sexual to be erotic. The most enticing bedroom chatter can be romantic, teasing, alluring, demanding, submissive, naughty and fantastical.
Follow these guidelines to get started and be sure to check back next week for some explicit one-liners you can use to develop your dirty talk arsenal: The first step to talking sexy is to offer generous and honest positive feedback: moan, groan, exhale deeply and let your partner know that you are enjoying it. There is no need to exaggerate — unless you want to. You are not a porn star and are not being paid to have porngasms.
You can then begin to turn your moans into words and phrases: “Yes!” “More!” “Give it to me!” “I love that!” “Touch me there!” “That feels great!” “Right THERE!” “You are amazing!” “Thank you!” “Wow!” “I love feeling you on top of me.” “You look so damn hot.” These are simply some phrases to get you started. Obviously each person will react differently, so be sure to say what comes naturally to you as opposed to repeating what you have seen in films or read online.
Remember that sexy talk goes both ways. It is not only about receiving pleasure and offering feedback, but also involves giving pleasure and soliciting reaction. You can gently ask your partners what they want as you explore their bodies: “Do you like that?” “Where do you want it?” “What can I do for you?” “Tell me how you like it.” “Lay back and let me give it to you.”
If you want to take it up a notch, consider telling your partners about the fantasies you have that include them. Tell them that you thought of them earlier in the day and started aching to feel their touch or tell them that you saw someone else checking them out and it turned you on. You might tell them that you were watching them work, bend over or get undressed and it made you tingle in all the right places.
Be honest with regard to your fantasies and remember that fantasies do not need to become reality. Just because you are willing to talk about filming your sexual escapades because it turns you on while you are having sex does not mean that you need to pursue this fantasy in real life. If you find that you are turned on by talking about a fantasy, but draw the line at talk alone, make this clear in advance. It is important to set boundaries before sex play and debrief after sex to discuss how you feel about the things that were said.
Other phrases you might consider whispering, groaning or screaming during sex include: “I want it in my mouth.” “Nibble on me a little.” “Let’s watch ourselves in the mirror.” “I’m coming (again)!” “I want more!” “I love the way that sounds, tastes, smells, feels.” “You’re making me dizzy.” “I would pay for this!”
Let me reiterate the importance of honesty in great sex. Sexy talk will be much hotter if you mean what you say, as your partner will sense the full intensity of your genuine desire and enjoyment. Again, as adults we can differentiate between fantasy and reality, so a willingness to talk about a sex act and enjoy the dialogue does not imply that you actually want to engage in the act itself. Simply put, be honest about what turns you on and acknowledge your limitations.
Start slowly, have fun and remember that it is okay to giggle a little. Obviously you do not want to laugh at your partner, but sex is supposed to be fun and a sense of humor can carry you a long way. If you feel silly at first, you can practice on your own to get used to saying all the fun sex and swear words that you do not get to use on a regular basis.
If you are going to continue to expand your dirty talk repertoire, chat with your partner ahead of time about topics, fantasies or words that are off-limits. Each person has his/her own unique set of limitations and sensitivities and these can change over time, so it is a good idea to revisit your ground rules periodically.
Happy reading and talking! And remember, it’s okay to talk with your mouth full…
Dr. Jess is a sexologist, best-selling author, international speaker and the host of PlayboyTV’s SWING! She travels the world to offer educational seminars and support clients in the pursuit of sexual health and happiness.
Learn more, visit: www.sexwithdrjess.com