Swingers View

Dirty Talk

By Dr. Jess (Dr. Jessica O’Reilly) from Sex with Dr. Jess

Swingers View - Dirty TalkOf all the workshops I teach, Dirty Talk, is among my favorites! I promise clients that if they learn to talk dirty, they can be the laziest lovers and still blow their partners’ minds.  This is because dirty talk is all about learning to tap into your most intense fantasies and bring them to life in words. And since fantasy is often hotter than reality, crawling into your partner’s dirty mind is the key to a long-lasting and fulfilling sexual relationship.

Many people learn to talk dirty from porn, but this leaves them with a limited repertoire that excludes the personal element of sexy talk. Moreover, dirty talk doesn’t have to be rough, hardcore or even sexual to be erotic. The most enticing bedroom chatter can be romantic, teasing, alluring, demanding, submissive, naughty and fantastical.

Follow these guidelines to get started and be sure to check back next week for some explicit one-liners you can use to develop your dirty talk arsenal:  The first step to talking sexy is to offer generous and honest positive feedback: moan, groan, exhale deeply and let your partner know that you are enjoying it. There is no need to exaggerate — unless you want to. You are not a porn star and are not being paid to have porngasms.

You can then begin to turn your moans into words and phrases: “Yes!” “More!” “Give it to me!” “I love that!” “Touch me there!” “That feels great!” “Right THERE!” “You are amazing!” “Thank you!” “Wow!” “I love feeling you on top of me.” “You look so damn hot.” These are simply some phrases to get you started. Obviously each person will react differently, so be sure to say what comes naturally to you as opposed to repeating what you have seen in films or read online.

Remember that sexy talk goes both ways. It is not only about receiving pleasure and offering feedback, but also involves giving pleasure and soliciting reaction. You can gently ask your partners what they want as you explore their bodies: “Do you like that?” “Where do you want it?” “What can I do for you?” “Tell me how you like it.” “Lay back and let me give it to you.”

If you want to take it up a notch, consider telling your partners about the fantasies you have that include them. Tell them that you thought of them earlier in the day and started aching to feel their touch or tell them that you saw someone else checking them out and it turned you on. You might tell them that you were watching them work, bend over or get undressed and it made you tingle in all the right places.

Swingers View - Dirty TalkBe honest with regard to your fantasies and remember that fantasies do not need to become reality. Just because you are willing to talk about filming your sexual escapades because it turns you on while you are having sex does not mean that you need to pursue this fantasy in real life. If you find that you are turned on by talking about a fantasy, but draw the line at talk alone, make this clear in advance. It is important to set boundaries before sex play and debrief after sex to discuss how you feel about the things that were said.

Other phrases you might consider whispering, groaning or screaming during sex include: “I want it in my mouth.” “Nibble on me a little.” “Let’s watch ourselves in the mirror.” “I’m coming (again)!” “I want more!” “I love the way that sounds, tastes, smells, feels.” “You’re making me dizzy.” “I would pay for this!”

Let me reiterate the importance of honesty in great sex. Sexy talk will be much hotter if you mean what you say, as your partner will sense the full intensity of your genuine desire and enjoyment. Again, as adults we can differentiate between fantasy and reality, so a willingness to talk about a sex act and enjoy the dialogue does not imply that you actually want to engage in the act itself. Simply put, be honest about what turns you on and acknowledge your limitations.

Start slowly, have fun and remember that it is okay to giggle a little. Obviously you do not want to laugh at your partner, but sex is supposed to be fun and a sense of humor can carry you a long way. If you feel silly at first, you can practice on your own to get used to saying all the fun sex and swear words that you do not get to use on a regular basis.

If you are going to continue to expand your dirty talk repertoire, chat with your partner ahead of time about topics, fantasies or words that are off-limits. Each person has his/her own unique set of limitations and sensitivities and these can change over time, so it is a good idea to revisit your ground rules periodically.

Happy reading and talking! And remember, it’s okay to talk with your mouth full…

____________________________________________________________________

Dr. Jess is a sexologist, best-selling author, international speaker and the host of PlayboyTV’s SWING! She travels the world to offer educational seminars and support clients in the pursuit of sexual health and happiness.

Learn more, visit: www.sexwithdrjess.com

10 Ways To Surprise Your Lover

By Dr. Jess (Dr. Jessica O’Reilly) from Sex with Dr. Jess

Keeping the flames of passion and lust burning in a long-term relationship is a challenge for the best of us, so check out these techniques to reignite the spark and enjoy a lifetime of steamy sex.

10 Ways To Surprise Your Lover

For Her

1.  Seduce Her With Your Words

Sex begins (and ends) in the brain, so get into her head with some saucy compliments that highlight all five senses of your desire. Save the “Pretty dress!” and “You look nice!” for your mom and offer sensual compliments that highlight your animalistic attraction to her:

You smell so sweet.
You taste like heaven.
I love the sound of your laugh.
You look smokin’ hot. I want to tear your clothes off right
here, right now!
I crave the feeling of your soft skin against mine.

 

2.  S-L-O-W Sex

A quickie in the broom closet makes for a great story, but sometimes slowing down can work wonders for your sex life. The next time you initiate sex, try to avoid touching her most sensitive (and predictable) spots for at least ten minutes.  Trace the tips of your fingers, the underside of your tongue and your gentle breath over her entire body avoiding her breasts and the space between her thighs. You’ll leave her body craving more of what you’ve got to offer!

3.  New Positions

If you want to pique her interest, you have to keep her guessing and change things up once in a while. Forget your tried and true go-to moves and experiment with new positions designed for her pleasure. Many women orgasm from grinding and rubbing on the outside – not from thrusting in and out. Try throwing her on her stomach and letting her grind against a vibrating toy as you thrust from behind or try the Happy Sardines position:

You lie on your back and she lies on top of you also on her back.
You slide between her legs and she squeezes her thighs together to create extra friction and rubbing.
As you slide in and out, she squeezes her PC muscles and you reach around to cup the top of her vulva and rub in rhythm with her pelvic movements.

10 Ways To Surprise Your Lover

 

4.  Plan a Sex-Vacation

Sightseeing, foodie tours and family visits may make for great Facebook albums, but they’re not always good for your sex life. Take advantage of vacation sex by setting aside a few days with no fixed plans. Head to your local sex store and pick out some indulgent outfits, videos and toys before locking yourself in the hotel room to explore your wildest fantasies.

5.  Lingerie in the Shower

The old poke-her-from-behind technique may work after an evening of romance, but if you get creative in your seduction techniques, you’re sure to increase your batting average. Slip into the bathroom while she is in the shower and hang some new lingerie on the door with a handwritten note: Can’t wait to see your beautiful body in this! And since (almost) no woman can resist the temptation of shoes, add a new pair to her collection if you’re feeling particularly generous.

 

For Him

6.  Pearl Necklace

No time to go lingerie shopping between professional and personal commitments?  No problem! Lower the lights and surprise him in the bedroom wearing nothing but a pair of heels and a long strand of pearls.  Sit on his lap and remove your pearls before covering them in your favorite lube. Sensually wrap them around his shaft, drape them beneath his balls and suck them into your mouth as you seamlessly integrate jewelry into your oral sex repertoire.

Bonus: slide your lubed-up pearls inside of you and let him gently pull them out before using them as a blow job prop.

 

10 Ways To Surprise Your Lover7. Stroke His Ego

Get a little raunchy in bed by brushing up on your dirty talk.  Focus on sexy compliments that stroke his second most sensitive body part: his ego.

You’re the best I’ve ever had.
You’re so good. I’d pay for this!
Your so big that it hurts.
I’m coming!
I’ve been thinking about your cock all day long.
Other women must crave your big, fat cock.

8.  Take it Outside!

Sex in the bedroom may be warm and comfy, but small changes in location can pack a big impact and generate memories that will last a lifetime. Create a monthly sex challenge and show some love to every room in your house including the laundry room and the garage. Sitting atop the dryer adds vibrations to your sex life and getting naked in the car can be a huge turn-on as your mind wanders back to your younger years…

9.  Morning Blow Job

Those three magic words can take your sex life to new heights and leave him dreaming of nothing but you, you, YOU!  Wake him up with some soft breath over his thighs and slowly work his member into your mouth to remind him just how lucky he is.

10.  Erotic Massage

Create an at home rub-n-tug complete with candles, massage oil and a ready and willing attendant who is eager to please. Blindfold him and offer a sensual massage with all the trimmings and remember to ask him for directions:

Rub his cock between your oiled-up breasts
Slide your slippery body over his most sensitive parts
Tease his erogenous zones with your breath
Use two hands to grip and stroke him from base to tip
Press your fingers into his perineum to stroke the inner bulb of his penis
Remove the blindfold as you finish him off with rhythmic strokes and a fluid twisting motion over his coronal ridge (the swollen part at the base of his head)

Get in Shape in a Sexy Way

Swingers View - Get in Shape in a Sexy Way

By Mrs. Webmaster  / SwingLifestyle.com

Participation in any fitness regimen should improve your physical appearance, your muscle strength, your general health, and your potential longevity.

Pole dancing for fitness is a sport that is based on the equipment and moves developed by dancers in strip clubs and acrobats in circuses. In recent years it has become much more than just adult entertainment; pole dance for fitness has exploded onto the scene of alternative fitness! Many women that participate in this sport neither intended nor desire to work in the sex industry.

Pole dancing will make you firm, toned and you will see results much faster than with a traditional weight/resistance program and many other types of traditional workouts.

One of the most enticing factors in pole dancing for fitness is that although one will see quite a lot of fit strong bodies among pole dancers, those who are seriously into the sport tend to develop lithe, willowy, toned, and flexible physiques that are more “cut”, toned and less massively built. This is because from the start, pole dancers throw their body weight up, down, and around while holding
on with their ankles, backs of knees and often even one handed. The weight that they are throwing around is further unbalanced by momentum, torque and spin which works the muscles completely and throughout their range of motion in order to develop the condition of the muscles or limbs as a whole rather than concentrating on lifting dumb weight in a specific way to affect certain muscles and/or muscle groups. Pole dancing is also a great cardio workout and therefore benefits your weight management goals while keeping the heart and lungs healthy.

The following is a list of the 5 major general benefits to participating in this fun and empowering activity:
- Improves physical strength throughout your body in both your core and skeletal muscles.
- Can build firm and toned muscles in a fairly short period of time. It will not take long before you begin to see results. The best part is that this firming and toning of the muscles focuses on those “problem areas” for women.
- Improved balance and agility as well as increased flexibility and core strength.
- Pole dancing is a physically challenging activity which will use every muscle and muscle group in your body while intensively targeting specific muscles throughout their range of motion; this will build properly proportioned lean muscle and allow you to bare your weight on the pole for longer and longer periods of time.
- All of the tricks, spins and holds are versatile and can be adapted to any person regardless of height or body type. There are moves and tricks for any fitness level and ability and as your strength and skills develop so will the range of tricks and elaborations that can be added to your repertoire.

Swingers Views - Get in Shape in a Sexy Way Another of the intriguing things about pole dance for fitness which attracts so many women is the numerous ways and various places that this sport can be pursued.

There are a wealth of videos on video sharing websites showing that women have installed poles in their entryways, in front of their TV, in the living room or den, in the corners of bed rooms, dining rooms, in their kitchens, their garage, in a storage locker and even outside on the porch .You can install a pole on tile floors, carpeting, Pergo, hardwood floors, concrete, stages, plywood, tile or any other type of floor covering commonly found in the home.

As with any sport or strenuous physical activity, it is recommended that you either receive formal training by enrolling in a class at a local studio or e-class online. You can even learn via a one on one session with another dancer. It is important that when you start you allow someone to guide you through the basics of pole dancing so that you learn the tricks of creating momentum to spin up or down the pole in various positions while using your body weight as a counterbalance and the pole as your fulcrum. After you have learned the basics it is completely up to you how you want to continue to learn but there are numerous methods, venues and places where you can get instruction on pole fitness. You can also use videos or books such as the Pole Dancing for Dummies book.

In the end you will find yourself loving the way that pole dancing strengthens and shapes your body. If you are trying to lose weight or aiming for better muscle tone and body conditioning, this one piece of fitness equipment may be the solution that you are looking for. There is no need to purchase any other equipment and if you install a removable pole at home, once you have learned the routines you can surprise your boyfriend or significant other. Challenge yourself; there are numerous ways to keep the activity new and fresh so that you don’t grow bored with your fitness regimen. As your confidence and sense of innate femininity grow, your body will melt away the layers of fat in all of the zones and places that women normally refer to as “problem areas”. Your new toned, fit, and strong appearance will amaze your friends and significant other, but most importantly it will impress you!

The most important thing to remember about pole dancing is to loosen up and have fun!

Letters from our Readers

Hello LifeStyleMagazine,

We have been subscribers since your first issue of LifeStyle Magazine in 2004. We were delighted to receive the Winter and Spring 2012 issues and we are happy to see the magazine for and by swingers continue to publish.

To our knowledge, this magazine is the only magazine in North America that caters to swinger Lifestyle couples like us. We have been swinging as a couple for quite some time and we truly enjoy reading the articles on swinging that included The History of Swinging, Top Ten Reasons to be a Swinger, Soft Swinging, Swinging Etiquette and other topics that benefit newbie couples as well as seasoned swingers that partake in sexual activities up to and including intercourse with the mate of another couple for full swap and total enjoyment of all sexual pleasures.

We have been reading every issue of the magazine from cover to cover. After we are done reading we put the magazine on the coffee table or another visible spot in our home for when we socialize with other couples. We invariably get the couples leafing through the magazine and asking questions related to swinging. We let the couple borrow the issue for the husband’s/wife’s reading pleasure in the privacy of their bedroom. The magazine is a great help in dispelling prevalent misconceptions about couples swinging, socializing and swapping mates for sexual pleasures that may include intercourse with each others mate. Your magazine helps couples who are ambivalent about swinging take the leap and join the swing community.

Keep up the good work.

Sahaja Couple

Lifestyle Interview: Rick & Vicki

Lifestyle Interview: Rick & Vicki LifeStyle Nicknames:

Nick names, no not really. We are among the lucky ones who are able to be totally out about the lifestyle. I guess we have been for 5 to 6 years. We use our real names and people know us simply as Rick and Vicki.

How long in the LifeStyle?

We’ve been in the lifestyle for about 20 years now.  We’ve taken time off here and there but love the people, the positive energy and acceptance that you find in the lifestyle. It’s a running joke that we started in the lifestyle before we were lucky enough to have the internet. So it meant heading to some seedy porn shops to pick up the latest Swingers Magazine in the hope that we would find others like us. These were the days of chat lines and voicemail boxes. Wow, have times changed.

What is your relationship?

We’ve been married for 22 years. We actually met at work, and ended up getting married four months after our first date. They say when it’s right it’s right. I guess they are correct in that. Its funny most of the people that knew us from work thought we were doomed and would end up divorced in a very short time. Here we are 22 years later having watched many of them go through multiple marriages and divorces and the crazy “swinger” couple lives on… Who would have thought?

How did you get started?

After being married a couple years we were laying in bed one night watching a pornographic movie, most specifically a girl – girl scene and I reached over to touch Vicki and she was as wet as I had ever felt her. That led to some in depth conversations which led to the possibilities of adding another woman to the mix. As we all know, one thing leads to another and eventually we tried swinging. Actually our first full swap experience was a short time later and wasn’t what we would considered the greatest, so much so we actually ran away from the Lifestyle for some time. But we did learn a lot from that first experience, the most important of which was to take it at our own pace, no matter what, and our comfort zone was what truly mattered. We eventually decided to take another crack at swinging but at a slightly slower pace this time. From then on, it has been great. While we may have experienced a bump in the road, early on, we know we are where we want to be and are enjoying the Lifestyle together.

What do you enjoy most about the LifeStyle?

Friendship, hands down. We have to say we are lucky that we have an amazing group of very close friends.  Many true friends that will be there for life is really an added bonus for us. They have helped us open up our club, Tabu. They’ve helped us in our personal lives.  They all just seem to be there for each other and there when you need them. There really isn’t this same level of friendships outside of the Lifestyle. It may have been the sex that brought us to the lifestyle but it is the friendships that keep us here.

Lifestyle Interview - Rick & VickiWhat do you enjoy least about the LifeStyle?

That’s a hard question. Being club owners we have seen the good, the bad and the ugly as it relates to the lifestyle. We have seen people at their best and at their worst. At the end of the day, we love the lifestyle and all that it has to offer. We have a great business, amazing friends and the opportunity to share these things with each other. What more could anyone ask for?

What’s the most exciting place you’ve done it?

Wow, having been in the Lifestyle for quite some time, we have “explored” many exotic places. I suppose if we have to pick one, it would be in Jamaica. We were staying at the Hedonism II resort and a group was having a beach party, not on the resort. We thought it sounded like fun so we went. It was primarily a group of Lifestylers but not exclusively. The food was great, there was live entertainment, the drinks were flowing and so were the juices. As we sat there getting more and more aroused, we just had to find somewhere to go and there it was, just down the beach, a long pier that just kind of disappeared into the night sky. We casually got up and just wandered off trying not to draw too much attention, we strolled down the beach, looking over our shoulders to see if anyone was watching, getting more and more excited with every step in the sand. We walked to the end of the pier, sure that the group could not see us although we could clearly see them. We were all over each other like 2 horny teenagers. When we were done, we slowly made our way back to the beach party absolutely convinced that we had just gotten away with something only to be greeted by a rousing round of applause by the entire group apparently they could see us after all.

Which do you prefer in others, a Friendship or a Sexship?

I suppose, like most we were originally looking more for sexship than friendship. As time passed and we ventured more and more into the Lifestyle community we realized that we actually enjoyed hanging out more with our “Lifestyle” friends than our “Vanilla” friends. As more time passed, we don’t really have any “Vanilla” friends anymore. So I guess the answer is Friendship.

Any advice for others, or those new to the LifeStyle?

The best advice that we can give is to make sure that you and your partner (assuming you have one) are on the same page. Tread lightly and slowly, making sure that each of you are comfortable with everything that you are doing or contemplate doing. Be totally honest with one another as keeping secrets or telling lies is not, at all, what the lifestyle is about. After all, this should be about fun, new experiences and sharing them together. If you follow those simple guidelines, you will have some of the most amazing times of your life together.

Rick and Vicki
TABU Lifestyle Club
vicki@tabulife.com

Lifestyle Interviews: Brian and Olga

Swingers View-Lifestyle InterviewsHow long in the LifeStyle?
4 years

What is your relationship?
Married 5 years

How did you get started?
After going to several titty bars and a few nude beaches, it became clear to us that we wanted more out of our sex lives than a bedroom dance.  After many discussions we decided to try going to a swingers club just to see what it was REALLY all about. Our first club experience wasn’t that great, but it got us very excited none the less. After a few weeks, we decided to try another club and had an exhilarating experience. We didn’t “hook up” with anyone, we were simply scouting, but the experience was nothing short of amazing. We began attending regularly, and still do.

What do you enjoy most about the LifeStyle?
The openness, trust and honesty toward each other that the LifeStyle has added to our relationship.

What do you enjoy least about the LifeStyle?
Pushy people, that seem to think we ”owe” them something.

What’s the most exciting place you’ve done it?
Too many to choose from, but I’d have to say the most exciting was during a party at our house. We all decided to go for a naked walk on the golf course. We didn’t walk very far before the romance of the full moon overtook us all.

Which do you prefer in others, a Friendship or a Sexship?
It depends, we’re always looking for new friends that we feel comfortable with and can do much more than just play. At the same time, it’s fun to meet new people, get
to know them a bit, and hit the sack for a one nighter, especially when you’re out of town.

Any advice for others, or those new to the LifeStyle?
Our advice is to take it slow, and communicate with each other. There is no reason to rush into anything, there is plenty of time and are plenty of hot couples out there.
We’ve seen many people get into the Lifestyle for the wrong reasons or simply jump in with both feet and drown. You need to be in a loving caring relationship before you start. The LifeStyle will not FIX a broken relationship, it can only enhance a good one.

Lifestyle Interviews: Lovers

Swingers View-Lifestyle Interviews-LoversHow long in the LifeStyle?
6 years

What is your relationship?
Married 10 years

How did you get started?
After “sharing our thoughts” about this exciting way to expand our sexual horizon, we decided to take the first step by placing an ad in a swingers magazine. It took a while until we finally had our “first date.” Although there was no sexual interaction, we both felt inspired and our sex life became much more exciting. Eventually the right couple came along and we had our first “real experience.”

What do you enjoy most about the LifeStyle?
One of the best things about it is, that we became best friends. Being able to share our sexual thoughts and fantasies with each other and eventually fulfilling
them as well, is a wonderful thing.  In those 6 years we’ve met lots of interesting people and developed relationships that go beyond swinging. That is definitely something, that we enjoy about the Lifestyle!

What do you enjoy least about the LifeStyle?
Occasionally, you come across some disrespectful people, who don’t understand what “NO” means.  Well, that’s truly not enjoyable and can ruin a precious evening

What’s the most exciting place you’ve done it?
There have been quite a few, but for us it’s not the place, that makes the excitement, it’s the people we play with.

Which do you prefer in others, a Friendship or a Sexship?
That depends… Lets say, you start off with a good “Sexship” (that’s why we’re all in the Lifestyle, right?), chances are, you find out that you have more things in common than just Sex and a friendship develops from there… well then the friendship is a big, precious bonus! So, in other words: Although friendship is certainly something precious and hard to find, we do not mind a good “Sexship” to start with.

Any advice for others, or those new the LifeStyle?
In the beginning it is important to set some rules. By doing this, you will avoid getting into situations where you’re not comfortable.

If It Feels Good… Just Do it

Written by Dr. Ziggy
Swingers View-If It Feels Good-Just Do ItWhy is it that merely mentioning the word “sex” makes people so uncomfortable? After all, sex is perfectly natural, the biological requirement for procreation.  Yet, I am continually amazed to see how uncomfortable people look when the word sex is uttered in their presence. Judging from their reactions, it’s easy to assume that the word “sex” immediately unleashes a chain – gathering event that is sure to infect everyone in the room and may eventually wipe out the entire world population.

Of course, psychological wisdom infers that anxiety-provoking events (including ideas) trigger defense mechanisms that protect us from the threats of those events. But why is sex – a wonderful and blissful experience in most instances – so often perceived as an anxiety and stress-producing event?
The answer is simple, yet complicated. Let’s start with the “simple” part:

Everyone knows what sex is and that it’s main purpose is reproduction. Right?

Wrong. There’s another aspect to sex – pleasure. That’s where the trouble begins. Think about it.

If sex was really unpleasant, how many people do you think would want to do it? Certainly, we wouldn’t be lining up to do the “nasty deed.” (Perhaps not even the most ardent disciples of S&M would step up to that plate.)  But because sex is pleasurable (some say the ultimate) we not only have volunteers lining up for it, we even have some who are willing to die for it. Consider this: the adultery rate in countries that punish it with the death penalty is about the same as it is in countries that don’t punish it at all.  Now, we proceed to the complicated part.

In our society, sex has been highjacked by religion and politics under the pretense of Sexual Ethics. Ideas about morality, socially acceptability, and deviancy — are all closely identified with sex in the language and attitudes of our culture. Sex has become a control mechanism and a tool of cultural conformity.
However, we must transcend these narrow views and look at sexuality with a more logical approach. Here are some questions to illustrate my point:

  • What is the function of sex? Is there just one?Should sex be exclusively heterosexual or is homosexual sexual behavior “normal?” Where does that leave bisexuality?
  • What’s the relationship between sex, love, intimacy, and marriage?
  • Can sex be independent of emotional feelings?
  • What is the connection between sex and moral character?
  • Is it OK to get laid more than twice a day, or do we have to have a fixed schedule?

Obviously, ideas about sexual behavior can get very, very complicated. Suffice to say, sex has become inextricably intertwined with philosophy, religion and politics.
No lesser man than the great Sigmund Freud long ago hypothesized that sexual repression was at the root of neuroticism and hysteria. Today, science tells us otherwise. However, repressed sexual feelings are recognized as a contributor to many psycho pathologies and can also affect other (physiological) medical conditions, such as ulcers, high blood pressure and even heart disease.  The intertwining of sexuality with philosophy and religion is nothing new.

In ancient times, the Greeks and Romans believed that the body and the mind were separate entities. This “dualistic” view distinguished between the physical (and impure, like sex) and the spiritual and aesthetic (no sex), which meant that bodily pleasure was devalued and the ideal of self-denial was elevated. To Plato, sex was just a distraction from more “intellectual” pursuits – in short, a necessary evil.

Then came Christianity. Drawing on the ideas of the Greeks, Christianity added some of their own – namely the very clever story about a man, a woman, a serpent, and an “apple” (a metaphor for sex), which resulted in the expulsion from Paradise and the idea of Original Sin.   Henceforth, in the prevailing western consciousness, sex was sin and women were considered villains.   So now you have it. That’s how Sexual Ethics became prohibitions and sex became Guilt.

Over two thousand years, the Church and the State created taboos and passed laws to control the sexual behavior of citizens. They knew that sex was the means to control the masses.   That is why today, sex is still a “taboo” topic of conversation and makes people so uncomfortable. We’re afraid that people will learn about our secret, forbidden fantasies and the desires of our rich imaginations.  But wait a minute. Did we forget that sex is about biology?  The lack of sexual openness and acceptance is a major reason why swingers still go up to the attic to play and make sure no one sees them; this in an era when homosexuals have come out of the closet in droves.

Time to wrap it up, so, my final thought on the matter.  If it feels good – just do it.

What’s In A Word

Written by Bob Hannaford, French Connection Events

Swingers View-Whats In A Word“Swing,” “Swinger,” what do these words mean to you. How about the word “lifestyle?” Funny how words mean so many different things to so many different people. My dictionary defines “Swinger” as: “One that swings: a good swinger of baseball bats.” I always had a suspicion that Barry Bonds was a “swinger.” My dictionary also says: “A member of a couple, especially a married couple, who exchanges sexual partners.” Now we’re getting somewhere, although I didn’t know marital status had so much to do with “swinging.” I’ll have to call Webster and explain to him that non-married couples swing too. I’m sure he’ll be glad to hear that.

The word “swing” dates back to the 20′s when the black community discovered a new form of music called Jazz and called it “Swinging Jazz.” The reference described the form of dance where a man would literally “swing” his partner through a series of dance moves. Like the Charleston and the Lindy Hop were born, and so was the term “swing.” Most conservatives couldn’t believe it when they saw people shaking their hips and frolicking to this new underground sensual music.

Eventually, in the 30′s and 40′s, band leaders like Cab Callaway, Duke Ellington, Glen Miller and Count Basie brought in the big band era and “Swing was King.” The popularity of swing music faded after WWII until the late 50′s when Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack redefined the word “swinger.” The word’s connotation reached beyond their music and started to represent their lifestyle. They were hip, fashionable, cool and sexy. They were swingers, man. Playboy magazine was first published and a new era of sexuality was born. “Swinger” had a positive connotation, everyone wanted to be called a “swinger.” Of course the term was only relegated to men. Being considered a swinger would never be considered appropriate for a woman.

Of course the “shagedelic swinging sixties” followed and once again the term “swinger” took on a new, cartoon-type of character. Towards the end of the 60′s, swinger clubs started to form. Publications were printed and different forms of alternative relationships like swinging, polyamory and communal living started to show up.

It wasn’t long before the 70′s and rumors of “key parties” and “wife swappers” became the common explanation of the “new swingers.” Again, sexist overtones dominated the “swinger” scene, the very term “wife swapper” implies that the man owns his wife and can trade her at will for another partner.

The 80′s saw a surge of new clubs forming until the AIDS scare forced many swingers underground and many clubs closed or dropped in membership. Eventually, swinging became a lot more open, clubs rebounded and national conventions like Lifestyles in California and Las Vegas gained in popularity and thousands of couples came to meet other open minded couples. “Recreational swinging” became a powerful economic factor, in fact it became an industry.
Today, you can find articles on “swinging” in Time magazine, the New York Times, Details, on HBO, MTV, Showtime, VH1 and most national and local newscasts, newspapers and magazines. Conventions and clubs have popped up in every state. Resorts and hotels now cater to “swing” groups like never before. Recently, in New Orleans, over 1,000 “swingers” paraded down Bourbon St. in the first ever “swinging parade” behind a jazz (swing) band with a police escort. Swinging has almost become mainstream.

It has become so mainstream that swing clubs and businesses finally have their own trade association. Imagine the effect of an organized effort to put forth positive images of this “swinging lifestyle.” This is the first step in gaining acceptance and tolerance for a sexual minority that is steadily growing and we are being noticed.

By the way, I looked up the word “lifestyle” and my dictionary said: “A way of life or style of living that reflects the attitudes and values of a person or group.” When the term “lifestyle” became popular over a generation ago, it had many critics that objected to it as trendy and superficial because it was mainly used to justify habits of consumption, recreation or fads to categories in a system of social classification. Many different forms of sexual minorities all consider themselves to be living a different “lifestyle” from the mainstream. Nonetheless, the term has been useful, in fact, because they help explain ourselves when referring to social values and behavior.

Why the history lesson? Most people I run into find the label “swinger” as a negative term with which they don’t want to be labeled. While I understand their reasons, most do not understand that the terms “swing” and “swinger” have undergone many transformations over the last century and will continue to change over the next few years. My favorite dictionary definition defines “swinger” as: “A person who actively seeks excitement and moves with the latest trends.” Now that is a term we can live with. Maybe we should print that definition on shirts, come out of the closet and show the world who we are. OK, maybe not this week… but soon?

The International Lifestyle Association (ILA) is a nonprofit, member-controlled organization that exists to promote a positive image of alternative lifestyles and to support lifestyle businesses, professionals, and participants. We will be contributing to Lifestyle Magazine with articles we hope you will find informative and most of all, interesting. Please visit our site at www.theILA.org for more information on the growing swing community. You can support our efforts by joining today.

How The Lifestyle Changes Women

Written by Ramo Kye
Swingers View-How The lifestyle Changes WomenMany women have a hard time keeping up in a man’s world. Mass-market culture offers a feminine standard that is far too hard for most to match. Not only are they expected to be free of blemishes, as thin as they are busty, and otherwise attractive, from their styled hair down to their painted toenails, they’re usually also expected to be charming, witty, compliant and well employed.

It’s a hard enough icon to emulate when women are young. But, as they age, it becomes even more difficult. Once a woman is past the mid-thirties, our culture generally denies that they have very much sex appeal remaining. The mirror view they get of themselves consists of streaks of new wrinkles, weight that just won’t go away, and strands of gray hair.

Sure, the same thing happens to men, and there are words for this – distinguished, mature, noble. But women seem to go from “young” straight to “elderly.”

But wait! Lots of guys are attracted to mature women. Many men prefer women that are not too skinny, women who defy the norm with their hairstyles or makeup and women who have reached an age where they’ve forgotten how to giggle.

So, is this a view thrust on women, by men? Or is this a view that women incorporate, regardless of how they are treated? Most men would probably agree, that this feeling that women have is not reflective of how men truly view them. Though, it is a view reinforced many times daily, with newspaper and television advertisements that feature too many thin, young blondes.

But, luckily, there is a cure for this – the lifestyle.

Our own relationship provides a startling transformation. Lara was in her early forties when we began playing. We’d spoken about it for years, but she was hesitant, if not downright petrified, by the idea.

We’d been together for a dozen years or so. We still had great sex, though it was more of a weekly affair that had turned somewhat predictable. She’d grown shy
as she’d aged. She rarely undressed unless she were alone. She locked the bathroom door when she showered. She took to wearing baggy jeans and blouses that did much to hide her form. We made love with the lights turned off.

Slowly but consistently, the direction our life was taking became clear. We were turning into our parents.

Eventually, Lara agreed to try some soft play with others. And her transformation began from there.

We started placing on-line ads and soon began hearing from interested couples and single men. We moved slowly from there. We got to know people through e-mails, chats and phone calls, before meeting. After meeting, we normally moved even slower. Our first few encounters barely had enough action to make a monk blush. But, she was discovering an amazing thing, men, all kinds of men, found her to be very sexy. While Lara is an extremely intelligent, knowledgeable woman who, if given half a chance, can quip and banter faster and better than a morning disc jockey, being considered physically desirable was something she’d given up on.

Entering the lifestyle was a difficult process for her. And, since I was new to it as well, I wasn’t able to guide her along very well. But soon, given the circumstances we were putting ourselves into, other men were enjoying her, and she, them. Unless you’ve been through it, the intensity of the emotions we both encountered are impossible to describe. “Nervous” just isn’t enough of a word to explain how you feel while driving over to meet new and potential play-partners. “Excited” can’t encompass the feelings just before the first foreign touch. “Satisfied” would do an injustice to the feeling of contentment one has the day, or week, afterward.

The first indirect change for Lara was with her wardrobe. She couldn’t well be meeting people for sexual play in the intentionally frumpy outfits that filled out her wardrobe. Suddenly mini-skirts, garter belts, nylons and tall, leather boots started showing up in the closet and dresser drawers.

Then, her shyness with me rapidly vanished. It had to. How could she be stripped naked in front of near strangers and then deny me the chance to see her the same way in our own home? How could she handle another man’s hard-on, and not lend me a squeeze on her way by? She stopped wearing panties and a bra with every outfit. Rather than locking the bathroom door, she began inviting me into the shower with her. Whenever the weather allowed, she’d sleep in the nude, and hum all night long.

And sex with each other? Hot damn! Like it has never been before. Only now are we even able to realize how stale our sex life had been prior to the lifestyle. We seek out new experiences with each other – just to be sure we are able to try them together before we are caught sharing them with others. The foreplay of soft touches and gentle smiles can last from noon until midnight. I never know when, suddenly, she’ll admit that she’s been trapped in an erotic fantasy, and proves it by being wet to my touch. At times, we make love until the alarm clock beckons us to work.

Sex between us is more frequent, more intense and more satisfying. While Lara used to have multiple orgasms, they pale compared to the enduring chain of climaxes she now experiences. She used to beg me to stop when her coming overtook her rationalism. Now, she begs me for more.

When the kids aren’t around, and the windows are closed, all we talk about is sex. When we’ll have it again. How great it was last time. Who’s next.

So, in the end, the lifestyle experience has had as much to do with convincing Lara that other men found her attractive, as it did with her to realize that I, her mate, her lover, her partner, have always thought of her that very same way.