Lifestyle Couples Questions

Confused Parents

June 30, 2011 By lsmadmin Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. R. Lindsey,

We are nudists in our 60′s and have been swingers for 20 years. Our three kids are grown with kids of their own. We never spoke openly about swinging with our children, yet it has been a silly little secret in our nudist community for decades. Recently, a couple we have known for many years attended a swinger’s convention and ran into my youngest child and her husband. This is a very complex situation for us. do we say anything to our daughter? Do we disclose to them our Lifestyle? did we influence their choices? Should we give them advice? Please help.

Signed
Confused Parents

Dear Confused Parents,

This is a perfect example of the saying “No matter how old they get, they’re still my kids.” In addition, I honor the complexity of your situation.

First, you must ask yourself, “Has she always known that you were swingers?” The answer is probably “Yes.” It is difficult to keep secrets form children, particularly in smaller, closed communities. This conversation would require “intentional disclosure.” Intentional disclosure consists of a conversation akin to “coming out of the closet.” So you must decide if “intentional” disclosure is what you want and is it necessary?

Your next question is “Did you influence your daughter?” Well the answer is probably “Yes.” Parents influence their children in many ways. So do their friends, their community, their culture, and their personality. Most young adult children reject their parent’s lifestyle to assert their independence. Yet your daughter has found value in your choices by choosing them for herself. This may be a hidden compliment to the example you have set for her. your next question transcends all parental concerns “Should we give her advice?” My question is “Do you give her advice regularly and is she open to accepting it?” If so, you may wish to speak about subjects that focus on emotional and physical health, safety, and trust. These are always good subjects to discuss with the people you love and care about.

Good luck,
Dr. R. Lindsey

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Concerned Friends

June 30, 2011 By lsmadmin Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. R. Lindsey,

We are a professional couple in our 40′s and have been in the lifestyle for two-years. We have made many friendships and enjoy our “swing time.” However, we also have many long standing friendships with couples not in the lifestyle. We are open with most of them and they look forward to hearing about our adventures in swinging. Recently one couple has indicated a desire to explore the lifestyle and yet we feel uneasy about it. We notice that they are often angry with one another and very jealous. What should we do?

Sincerely,
Concerned Friends

Dear Concerned Friends,

Your caution is well founded. The Lifestyle is intriguing to many people, but it is not suitable for most. Your best approach is to have a discussion with this couple and educate them about how the Lifestyle can quickly bring a prepared couple together or tear an unprepared couple apart. Focus on the need for great communication, well developed self-esteem, and how to manage one’s jealous feelings. The Lifestyle is not the answer to a challenging relationship. However it may be a great enhancement to a stable and caring relationship.

Be well,
Dr. R. Lindsey,

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Newbie Couple: Soft Swap Or Full Swap?

June 22, 2011 By lsmadmin Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. R. Lindsey,

We are a happily married couple of many years and newbies in the lifestyle. We have vacationed at a swingers’ resort and tremendously enjoyed the sexually charged atmosphere. We have watched other couples swap partners for erotic fun including all out intercourse. So you could say we have done some “soft swinging” but have yet to swap partners with another couple in bed for sex. We are eager to move to this full-swap/intercourse phase where we can sexually interact with other couples and enjoy sex with a variety of partners. We have a couple of questions for you that would help us newbies:

1. As newbies do you recommend that we get our first partner swap sexual experience with an experienced couple or should ne work with other newbies to fulfill our sexual fantasies?

2. We are close friends with many couples for a number of years. When we socialize we kiss, tease, dance and have lots of fun, all without swapping partners for sex. We would like so swap partners with some of the friends for erotic fun in the nude and sexual intercourse. However, we do not know how to go about ascertaining which couples are open to the idea of swapping mates in bed for sex. We are looking for suggestions for querying these couples that would elicit a response in a non threatening manner.

We are looking for your suggestions. Thanks for your help.

Newbie Couple.

 

Dear Newbie Couple,

Couples Questions-Full Swap-Soft Swap

In response to the first of your questions, I suggest that as you move toward your first full swap experience, approach it as an exploratory and experimental journey and review your rules first. Next, seek out a more experienced couple to mentor you. Be honest and open. Let them know this is new for you. In out experience, our Lifestyle mentors took extra care to see to our safety, comfort, and pleasure. It is always best to have an experienced guide when traveling to a new place.

In response to part two of your question I encourage you to approach long-term friends with caution. If they are not in the Lifestyle, approach the topic with great care. You may begin to share your experiences in a non-threatening manner. Tell some stories of your Lifestyle experiences and gage their response. We have many “plain vanilla” friends that enjoy being naked in the hot tub, shared massage, and dirty dancing, but have no interest or are not confident enough as a couple to be in the Lifestyle. Don’t sacrifice a good friendship by potentially offending or intimidating another couple. The Lifestyle isn’t for everybody nor does it have to be.

Good journey,

Dr. R. Lindsey

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Threesomes & Sexually Yours

June 22, 2011 By lsmadmin Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. R. Lindsey,

Hi, I have a kind of weird question. there are three of us that live together. Well I guess you could say more than that because it is a husband and two wives, at least that is what we consider ourselves. We are all dedicated to each other, just like any other married couple, neither woman or the man would not, does not want to have anyone else. The only thing that is missing is for it to be a three way marriage is the legal papers. Lifestyle Couples Questions-Threesome and Sexually Yours

This all started out with my wife #1 and myself, we are avid swingers and would meet with couples and singles. This is where wife #2 comes in; we, being my wife and myself, worked with wife #2. It started out with her being attracted to the husband and was flirting. Well, the husband told her we were married and yet she was still interested. So he invited her over to have some drinks and play around, everything went accordingly, and she ended up spending the night. Then returned almost everyday thereafter, staying longer and longer.

To make a long story short we both fell in love with her and she moved in. Now we are totally devoted to one another and we all swing together. We swing just like any other couple, same room, not without each other all the same room as other swingers.

Signed
Threesomes and Sexually Yours
Bud, Sabrina, and Jasmine

Dear Bud, Sabrina, and Jasmine

Most people in the Lifestyle profess to be “open minded” and most individuals and couples have rules designed to address specific situations. examples may include: no singles, no drugs, no taking one for the team etc. these rules are designed to promote comfort and safety in situations that are physically, socially, and emotionally complex.

In addition, the majority of people in the Lifestyle are married and heterosexual, living as typical couples live in the “plain vanilla” world. they most often believe in a singular/monogamous love relationship and consider their Lifestyle relationships in the category of “friends with benefits.”

The design of your relationship is “different” and therefore receives a different level of scrutiny, attention and reactivity. In speaking with other triads, they also have experienced feelings of “being stared” at, “rejection,” or “different attention from singles.”

Your best bet is to discuss the nature of your relationship with potential playmates. you did a great job of describing it in the paragraph preceding your question. You will most likely receive some nervous grins, raised eyebrows, and some flat out rejections along with “Threes Company” references. Be prepared for questions. Typical ones include, “Do you all sleep in the same bed?” “How do you split the chores?” “What to you tell your neighbors?”
Balance the benefits and happiness you derive from your relationship with the knowledge that your opportunities to play with other couples will most likely be reduced. You may also make attempts to seek out other triads. I found two and didn’t have to search very far.

Live Life & Have Fun

Dr. R. Lindsey

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Confused In The Lifestyle

June 17, 2011 By lsmadmin 1 Comment

Dear Dr. R. Lindsey,

We have been in the lifestyle for going on eight years, and have found that a lot of people can’t be honest and have to be judgmental. they say they’re not Ken and Barbie and not looking for them, but when you meet them(if they show up) why do they act like they’re better than anyone else instead of just politely saying”were not interested?” It’s like if you’re not as good looking as them or better they won’t give you the time of day. The way we see the lifestyle is that it doesn’t matter what a person looks like, fun is fun.

Signed,
Confused in the Lifestyle

I share your disappointment with couples that lack “verbal correspondence.” This means that they talk-the-talk but don’t walk-the-walk. I believe that most people aspire to be tolerant, accepting, and kind. No one aspires to be superficial. We all strive to be better than that as our values tell us that character is more substantive than cosmetics. The reality is that looks do matter. there is an incredibly strong psycho-biological link between perceived physical attractiveness, arousal , and desire. Similarly, ones feelings toward age, race, gender, habits etc., influence the degree to which one couple may or may not choose to play with another.

To deal with this, one must examine one’s own expectations within the context of what is known about human nature. Being in the Lifestyle does not make one immune to the challenges of being human. People will be inconsistent. you can expect to be stood up, turned down, and snubbed. You must attempt to balance these experiences with the opportunity to meet new friends, develop exciting relationships, and finding other couples that talk-the-talk and walk-the-walk.

I encourage you to keep trying. There are many friendships to be made. the best are often difficult to find.

Sincerely

Dr. R. Lindsey

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